I really haven't taken the time to sit down and write a good post lately. Too busy with the boys or too stressed out to put what I feel into words! But Jonah is taking a late nap and Noah is watching the Disney Channel so I figured I would take a few a write a little!
I hate the way that I am feeling lately. I have been lazy, depressed, and so not nice to my boys. I don't really know what is wrong. Other than the same things that have been wrong for years. Maybe it is just this pregnancy? Really everything is great, I just don't see it that way. Our main problem is our financial difficulty. I know I don't need money to make me happy. It's been this way for a long time. I have a wonderful husband, most of the time!, 2 beautiful boys, a wonderful family, a home and everything that I need to make me happy. I just feel horrible that when Noah wants something so simple, like his cheese pups I have to say you have to wait a few days. Or until next week when we buy groceries. He doesn't understand and then cries. And me being the mean mother that I have let myself grow into the past couple of weeks, yell at him for nothing. He doesn't know any better. To him money is something that Daddy and Mommy have and can get him anything that he wants. So then after I've yelled at him then I go and feel guilty. Which just adds to the depressed way that I've been feeling. Right now my house is a wreck and I really need to clean up to get ready for the new baby. I can't even feel happy about that right now. I mean, I am happy, but it is stuck somewhere in the back of all of these other feelings. I feel so mean, so ugly, so fat, so ungrateful to God and everything he has given me. Why do I feel this way? I am usually a happy-go-lucky kind of girl. Everything is great and even if wasn't you wouldn't know it from me.
I normally don't mind having an unkempt home if I am happy and playing with my boys. I don't mind having a couple of dishes in the sink until they go to bed if we are playing or reading books. I don't mind folding clothes while Jonah is napping and Noah watching t.v while I do, or even wanting to help me. I am glad that I am not the type of girl who has to have everything scheduled and fit into a certain order. I just love my family and want them to know it too! And these past few weeks I don't think that they do. Or at least not feeling all of the love that I do have for them.
I saw in a post at the Preacher's Wife something that made me cry. She said why is it that praying is often the last thing we think about doing, when it should have been the first? I am getting off the computer now and going to pray for a long time. I love everyone and most of all I love my Jesus and know at times He is only one that can help me feel better.